AG Gonzales Outed as Hologram


A highly placed government software developer revealed today that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is actually a sophisticated hologram. The source, who spoke on condition of anonymity, joined the Gonzales project when the Attorney General was still in beta. Her team of programmers, many of whom had prior experience at various Hollywood special effects studios, are responsible for Gonzales’ colorful and lifelike simulation of a human Cabinet level official.

“Attorney General Gonzales can be fully projected with voice and high-def 3D visuals anywhere in the Justice Building.” Appearing outside of a few blocks from his office, however, requires portable wireless equipment, and presents more of a challenge. gonzales-fades.jpg“Just projecting the Attorney General outside the building takes a lot of bandwidth, limiting his ability to connect with his central processor. That can really interfere with the AG’s ability to access memory. Plus, he can look a little grainy when there’s a lot of cell-phone traffic in the area.”

Despite these problems, the silicon-based AG has out-performed initial expectations. “Most of us worked in Hollywood, so we were concerned about Gonzales’ ability to simulate sincere emotions. But lacking a full emotional repertoire turns out to be a plus in politics. And we were really surprised to discover that other technical problems can also be turned to an advantage. Gonzales is programmed with a limited number of responses to inquiries. As programmers, we’d call this a problem with his ‘cognitive display,’ but in politics it’s called ‘staying on message.’ Gonzales can ‘stay on message’ for very long periods without displaying the shame or embarrassment that would be inevitable in a flesh-and-blood person.”

During today’s press briefing, Tony Snow would neither confirm nor deny the humanity of the Attorney General, but did point out the irrelevance of the issue: “The President has full confidence in the Attorney General, and that won’t change simply because General Gonzales may not be a sentient being. I mean, think about it. Alberto Gonzales overcame the obstacle of his Hispanic-American background to become the number one man in the Department of Justice. He’s even more worthy of admiration if it turns out he is a non-corporeal computer simulation of an Hispanic-American.”

The response from both sides of the political spectrum was immediate. Senator Leahy, who questioned AG Gonzales at length during a number of Congressional hearings, admitted he had not heard the news but seemed unsurprised, noting, “It would explain a lot.”

Meanwhile, former-mayor and 2008 Presidential candidate, Rudolph Giuliani, approved of the idea, but said he didn’t think the present administration had gone far enough. “Most, if not all, of the Cabinet could be replaced by holograms. In fact, I believe that the heads of some agencies — the EPA and the Department of Education come immediately to mind — could be replaced with a voice-activated digital telephone system at great savings to the public.”

Former-governor Mitt Romney’s campaign office had no comment, further fueling suspicions that he himself is a computer-based life form. Pundits have previously suggested that this rumor, if true, could actually help Romney in the primaries: “The Democrats are trying to raise excitement with the possibility of running the first black or female candidate. Running a computer-generated Mormon for the top job would really steal the their thunder.”

9 thoughts on “AG Gonzales Outed as Hologram

  1. Alright, alright…. I’ve been sublimating my reaction into writing. so you officially have the position of muse, JanieBelle. That one bead of sweat had me setting new speed records for touch typing. You have a way with words. And whistles.

    I have photos from yesterday I’m working to put on the new site. So I’m off to the races, as it were.

  2. Giddyap! Giddy yap, maybe?

    We should, Elizabeth. I’ll be ’round in a bit.

    I’m beginning to wonder ’bout Tom, though. Those last two comments of mine should have elicited some reaction… well, it did for me and Kate, anyway.

    We played cowgirls last night.

    😉

  3. JanieBelle coolly blows the wispy smoke emanating from the ends of both six-shooters, and seductively licks her lips with her eyes half closed.

    It is with smug satisfaction that she holsters her Irons of Lightning-like Reporting after having beaten Tom to the scoop at Sex In The Public Square.

    Though she’d like to hear Tom’s thoughts on the matter (since he was there and all), she knows it will take some time for his amazement and wonder to wane.

    She turns and whistles for Ghost, her trusty steed. She mounts him aggressively and spurs him on to a full gallup. She only rides bareback.

    Massachusetts is safe… for now.

  4. JanieBelle stands alone in the dusty street, six shooter on each hip, listening to the wind whistling through the alley between the bank and the cathouse. A bead of sweat runs down her bare back leaving a single trail of clean skin from the nape of her neck to the crack of her ass. Swinging doors on the Wagon Wheel Saloon bang on broken hinges and a four foot tumbleweed bounces by ominously…

  5. Tom, found this accidentally. Great website. Made me proud to be classmate of yours at AU Law!!! keep up the good work.

  6. This is wonderful and had me laughing out loud quite a few times, which is particularly impressive given how depressing it is to have the US justice system run by hall monitors for the Republican party and radical fundamentalists.

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